![]() I know Ashley is fully irrational, but I did once think if you hiccuped and yawned at the same time, you would die because the air going in and air going out would get stuck. At one point, she’s so worried that the breeze will suffocate him. She’s very worried about squirrels or a food shortage or that dingo that ate that baby in Australia in the ’90s. She’s also completely terrified of literally everything that exists outside of her home. Ashley has fully embraced a crunchy-granola lifestyle and brags about using wipes that are mostly water. Candiace is waiting to have a baby, but there is a new baby on the scene! Ashley is at home with her very tiny baby, Dean, and her still very weird husband, Michael. If you have to celebrate with a $22,000 party that your marriage made it a year, there’s bigger issues somewhere. ![]() She’s throwing a huge first anniversary party, which doesn’t give off “THIS IS A SECURE MARRIAGE” vibes to me. Not only are her kids suspicious, there’s a whole montage of the other Housewives chiming in about getting back with her ex. Gizelle calms her kids down by saying that she’s the adult so she runs the family. They are all very suspicious of this relationship. A friend of hers kind of talked her into it, so now she’s dating her cheating ex-husband who lives in Atlanta again. She’s also gotten back with her ex-husband. Gizelle thinks bigger than any of us ever could. But Gizelle has decided that her room should be two stories. ![]() We only get a quick look at the outside of her house and it looks like she has a ranch. She’s building a two-story master suite, which is something I did not know you were allowed to do. Gizelle is at her new house and it’s quite the fixer-upper. When she married a man 17 years older than her, it was fun at first, but now that she’s in her … alleged … 50s, Ray is ready to retire and she’s not ready to slow down. Isn’t that what we all want? To be snatched. She also says that he’s not snatching her up as a woman. She’s jet-setting around the world and he’s not engaging with her success. Karen tells Monique that Ray is not happy because she’s become a business woman with the actual launch of La’Dame fragrance. Monique takes T’Challa the bird and heads over to Karen’s new house and Karen screams at the sight of the bird on her shoulder. How can you teach it to relieve itself on command? It has no concept of a potty. Birds don’t typically have sphincters, Monique. Monique believes that she can potty train this bird. Nothing remotely prepared me for seeing a grown woman put a leash on a gray parrot named T’Challa, ask it to poop on a napkin, put it on her shoulder, and head out the door. Monique is at home with Chris and her new bird on a leash. It’s time to see where all the Housewives are before The Glitch. ![]() Then we jump seven weeks earlier? I’m ready for any and all Real Housewives editors to be given an Emmy. We can’t brush this under the rug,” and “We hold ourselves above the stereotype and in five minutes, she took it away.” Can you believe that we are barely moments into the episode and already, the entirety of Black womanhood has been dragged through the mud by someone’s actions? Right after the broken glass and first aid kit, we hear Karen and Gizelle breathlessly say, “Never thought as a Black woman, we’d be right here. I have been in relationships that lasted months that I committed to with less intensity than this season. I have never been more in on anything in my entire life. Our first image of this entire season is a broken glass on the ground with a first aid kit. But honestly, I DON’T NEED IT TO BE, BECAUSE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC IS BACK. Listen, despite everything that Christopher Nolan would want us to believe, TENET-with-a-backward-E will not be in theaters in the U.S. Is it possible that Monique has somehow entered all of our minds and planted some sort of inception? Has she already begun her offensive on our thoughts? Or is Candiace the mastermind in this scenario? Has Candiace entered into our dreams three levels deep in order to get us on her side in whatever inevitable conflict is coming? Because this episode opened with some of those Inception “BWAAAAAA’s” and then things started to glitch and jump through time.
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